Prepare to feel guarded

You can all relax now. I have completed the Wackenhut Corporation training program that qualifies me for my Guard Card from the State of California. I am also certified for handcuffing. It was a one day course to pass a 45 question test. I got 44 right the first time, then I had to correct the one I got wrong. It was about what to do when you suspect terrorism. Not much, but a little more than I thought.
There is not much a security guard can really do. Well, you aren't supposed to do much. Be polite, be firm, and keep your eyes open. You can't search people, except for weapons. You can't arrest people, any more that a regular person does. IF you do, you must turn them over to the cops and they decide what to do. They may let them go.
What really goes on when you are working, you are supposed to watch for trouble and take notes and names if necessary.
It is pretty much what we were already doing. Except, some guys think you are supposed to be flirting or just sitting on your ass and talking to your friends. You know who you are.

Thanksgiving Activites

Here are some things I have done at Thanksgiving time. You may or may not have done any of these things with me at some time in the past. I am not making any recommendations or excuses. It is only that Thanksgiving is a special American holiday that gives rise to its own special circumstances. So let's see what I remember.

• Drink a case of beer, by myself at a party in Chrissy Smathers' basement. Other people also drank their own case of beer.
• Crawl out of bed, down the stairs, and to the television to watch Barry Sanders and the Lions play football. In spite of the worst hangover I ever had to date.
• Play wiffle ball in a small front yard and try not to trip on the curb while attempting to catch a fly ball and hold a beer.
• Have a Trivial Pursuit tournament with a bunch of friends. See who knows the most and who is all talk.
• Eat too many Hors D'oeuvre's and not have enough room for dinner. Then spend the whole next day being hungry and thinking only about the food you didn't eat, which was awesome.
  
• Pondering whether or not it is appropriate to try to get laid on a holiday. Am I that type of person? Really? Can't I just live in the moment once in a while?
• Play football, then watch football, then watch more football, then eat and watch more football.
• Eat Thanksgiving leftovers and watch football the next day.
• Teach and get your friends hooked on Guitar Hero, even after they have all seen the South Park episode making fun of it.
• Sing and play actual guitars around a campfire. It is fun to try and match the words people know with the songs they can actually play.
• Drive from Rochester to Detroit through Canada. Just to make sure it is cold enough.
  
• Eat with 25 of your closest Sicilian-American relatives. This included all the traditional foods as well as Calamari, Pizza, Pasta, and baklava.
  
• Watch a car flip into a ditch while driving back from Detroit through Canada. The road was icy.
• Sit around in your Bachelor pad being hungry and watching the damned Lions play like crap. Only the hungry part is my fault.
• Laundry. No one else in your building is doing theirs that day. Except that weird neighbor lady whose only friend is her mom who lives in a home. She also yells at the TV. "Baloney, aww bullshit." Which gives you uncomfortable prescience about your future, if you stay single forever as well.
  

Fake answers and Druids

I saw this question on Yahoo Answers and I had to reply. Check it out sometime. It is great to see what people actually don't know.

Question:

Why am I getting "shocked" from EVRYTHING I touch??

I mean everything! It started around 4pm and hasnt stopped! Whats is this all about?


My Answer:
You have a high ratio of Midi-chlorians in your blood. You could be the chosen one. You need to learn to control the force before it is too late. Contact your nearest Jedi Council member as soon as possible.

Maybe I shouldn't have watched the first 3 Star Wars, meaning the most recent 3 Star Wars last week. But there you go.

Also, here's a great druid/wiccan/coven myspace page. Don't these geeks realize that they were the dorks of those centuries and reviving a dead pagan religion in an even dorkier, modern way, just proves what dorks they are. IT is a free country. BE as dorky as you want. Just expect some people to want to kick your ass. At least today it is just a butt kicking. In the Dark Ages, it would have been extermination.
Listen to the music, it totally sucks, mainly because we have electricity now. Try not to laugh when you do. Really, try not to laugh, I bet you can't. Unless you have a high count of Midi-chlorians in your blood.

The only rapper I like has Trojan written on the outside.

That is a joke I just wrote. I haven't told it to anyone yet. I guess it wasn't totally a joke, more of a one-liner. That is the phrase.
I did some open mic comedy last evening. My friend Sara and Scott, the club owner thought it went well. I went first so the audience wasn't warmed up yet.
I wish I knew how to post audio, so I will in the future, cause I can learn stuff. But for this post, I will just type in some joke I used. Well, cut and paste them, because retyping them is such a pain.

Does it seem premature for the History channel to have a special about Nostradamus?.

Does anyone else think Mick Jagger is a liar for still singing Satisfaction? I mean, if there is anybody on this Earth who is satisfied, it is Mick 'I get it all I want anytime' Jagger. If he is still unsatisfied, he’d better become a Buddhist.

Are you automatically an asshole if you drive a monster truck sporting a handicapped license plate?

Are you guys good listeners? Cause my last girlfriend said I wasn’t a good listener. Well, she left a note. So, I went and bought an audio book about how to be a better listener. She left anyway. Too bad the tape worked, now I can really tune in to the sound of myself crying.

I even got my first cell phone for that woman. I love it, it’s a real time saver. I don’t have to wait until I get home to find out she’s not trying to call me.

Losing your girlfriend really kills your confidence. To get over it, I wrote some jokes about confidence, but I don’t think you’ll like any of them.

Part of confidence is caring about what people think about you. Some people don’t care what other people think about them, I call those people stoners.

Those are just a few. More to come.

Seano Sings

Here's a minute of my boy Seano laying down a little Pearl Jam .